Kevin Tor

There is a hit song on the radio now by Young Money called “Bed Rock.” The chorus contains the lyric, “Call me Mr. Flinstone. I can make your bed rock.” This is very clever. What people don’t know is that there were several failed attempts at cartoon-inspired innuendo before they landed on “The Flintstones.” Read them and the reasoning behind passing on them below.

Reasoning Against: Well it has the word “ass” but a “tro” isn’t anything especially not a verb.

Bad Lyric: “Call me Liono. I can make your Mum rah.“

Reasoning Against: It’s for when you have a thing for British mothers and also for less enthusiastic cheerleaders so you get both. Still confusing.

Bad Lyric: “Call me Captain Baloo. I can make that Tail Spin.“

Reasoning Against: It’s pretty good but there’s a hint of bestiality.

Bad Lyric: “Call me G.I. Joe. I can make my Cobra Command Her.“

Reasoning Against: Clever but there’s really no one called G.I. Joe so this falls apart. Also the lyric is supposed to be aimed at a girl not someone in the third person.

Bad Lyric: “Call me Gargamel. I can make your Stinky Smurf.”

Reasoning Against: This might actually be an insult when translated from Smurf-speak.

Bad Lyric: “Call me Hanna-Barbara. I want to give you my Chilly Willy.“

Reasoning Against: It doesn’t really sell you to the woman as cold things are not appetizing as evidenced by bras in the freezer pranks.

There’s something fun about seeing the first week of group song lip synching. Nobody knows how to do it. Just wonderful. Can’t wait for next week’s 20 person take on “Tik Tok” with Bowersox starting off, “Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.”

Janell Wheeler – I did not expect her to go home. She was one of the weaker girls on Tuesday but she deserved another shot. She’s now going to go the way of what’s her name from Season 5 and what’s her name from Season 2.

Ashley Rodriguez – She never really got highlighted in the weeding out process and, while that worked for Kris Allen, it didn’t work for her. She seemed swell.

Joe Munoz – I got this one right. I will take this paragraph to congratulate myself on a choice well done. I have been watching American Idol for a long time and I have a good grasp on how the public votes. You see, his hairline was converging on his face and America sees that. They don’t want someone whose face is blocked by hair. Can’t see his mouth, his eyes. Ew.

Tyler Grady – This was surprising. I thought he had the teenage girl vote based on his sexy, ugly confidence but I guess not. He took a shot at the judges for not giving him enough criticism, too. It’s always a smart move to go out on bottom.

Final Thought: I got 50 percent on this one. Not bad. It’s so random at the beginning. Terrible isn’t enough to go home. Much like Private Ryan, it is up to Lacey Brown and Jermaine Sellers to earn this. Unfortunately (especially with Lacey), I don’t know if they can. See you next week when the singers, and hopefully this blogger, will be more comfortable and ready to shine.

Todrick Hall – “Since You’ve Been Gone” – He seems to have the same problem that I had with Adam Lambert. He comes off fake. I like that he made the song different. It didn’t sound very good but I think he can fake being good long enough to make it further. Proof that I’m on the right track? From Adam Lambert’s Twitter – “Toddricks def gonna surprise us!! Mad talent!! Def the full package.” Nailed it!

Aaron Kelly – “Here Comes Goodbye” – He doesn’t have any confidence but he’s 16. Confidence will come as he realizes a million girls – just like the ones who ignored him completely up to this point at his school – will want to marry him. He seems like a nice boy. He’d do the honorable thing. Safe.

Jermaine Sellers – “Get Here” – He sang like someone who can’t sing at the beginning, very quiet. And then he hit the big notes which were also sung like someone who can’t sing. If he has one thing going for him, he makes facial expressions like a good singer. Probably not enough.

Tim Urban – “Apologize” – When Kris Allen did this song last year, I was hoping he would skip the falsettos and do “Too Late” part in his regular awesome voice. He didn’t and it was probably one of the weaker performances for Kris last year. Tim made Kris’ version seem like one of the greatest moments in Idol history. He could be in trouble.

Joe Munoz – “You and I Both” – Goes with the stool and the stand up on the chorus template. That’s classic Idol. The problem with the performance is Jason Mraz is so good that it paled. Joe might be talented but it didn’t show this week. Also, my wife says he is ugly and has rapist eyes. So there’s that.

Tyler Grady – “American Woman” – Why is he so likable? It was shouty and weird but I still want him on the show. The judges’ consensus is that his 70s style and mannerisms have to go. I’m thinking lots of tin foil and robot moves. Take it 40 years in the other direction, Tyler. So likable.

Lee Dewyze – “Chasing Cars” – I liked this one and so did Simon. We might have been the only two. The guy is good. Up to this point in the night, he was the best one. I like how he pushed this song from the slow-paced original. If he was more in tune, I would want to own it. I maintain that’s a complement.

John Park – “God Bless The Child” – Oof. I liked him after his audition. His Shania Twain package was great, too. Reminiscent of the fun Anoop Desai brought. However, he failed to bring the Anoop fun to the song. This was dull. I know the song is personal but what made him think this was the right choice for America’s first impression? I would have rather he came out and blasted an air horn for 90 seconds instead.

Michael Lynche – “This Love” – Maybe it’s because he had a baby girl and I see him as dad competition but I think he’s pretty terrible. Big Mike sounded like a cruise ship. I’m aware that I didn’t put “singer” on the end of that. He sounds like a cruise ship – gurgle-y, watered-down, the occasional toot. He’ll be fine because he’s happy and people like happy.

Alex Lambert – “Wonderful World” – I was wondering how he was going to make it without his unnecessary ukulele from Hollywood Week but it seems his awkward powers lie in his mullet. He actually has a good voice and if he stops clutching the microphone like it’s an unpinned grenade, he can do well.

Casey James – “Heaven” – They spent way too much time on Kara’s “crush” on him. I like that he chose this song amongst all the nonsense. If you embrace Idol’s nonsense, you can do better than if you try to transcend it. The singing was ok. He never pushed his voice so it stayed in one place. Still, I’ll take this over most of tonight’s guys.

Andrew Garcia – “Sugar, We’re Going Down” – He is so smooth. I liked this version. People are probably going to tire of his “Take a song that’s upbeat and make it acoustic and nice” approach but I want it. I want it so bad. I don’t know if he has the ability to do anything else but, frankly, I don’t care. He’s my favorite. Though, Danny Gokey was my favorite this time last year. Hmmm.

Bottom Three: Jermaine Sellers was the worst of the night. I will also go with John Park who should be fine and hopefully scared into stepping up next week. The last spot will be Joe Munoz, more as a guess of America’s style than a deserved placement.

Going Home: Jermaine Sellers and Joe Munoz

American Idol posts are back on Tor’s Take but, like the Top 24, a little nervous and tight out of the gate.

Ashley Rodriguez – “Happy” – I don’t know this song. It did not seem like she was singing the same one the band was playing. However, the background singers were with her. That’s good because, at a live show, you want at least 2/3rds of the lead singer/background vocals/band combination to be performing the same song. Regardless, this was pretty bad.

Janell Wheeler – “What About Love?” – This is someone who did their Idol homework. Last season, Allison Iraheta knocked a Heart song out of the park and jumped into the lead. Janell doesn’t have the voice to do Heart so I cannot accept her homework. And there will be no extra credit. The would be unfair to the rest of the class. Not good but she has the “look” so Simon gave a minor complement that should keep her around.

Lilly Scott – “Fixin a Hole” – She’s like Jewel but from Colorado. I got all ready to post a “She should skip the singing and go straight to obscure poetry” shot but she was cool. I like what she did with this. Obscure Beatles song is the way to go. Also a rare quality and thought-out Randy Jackson critique. Nothing is predictable.

Katelyn Epperly – “Oh Darlin” – Two good ones in a row. Clarification: Two good ones in a row by comparison to the terrible start. She’s cute and safe. I agree with Kara that she’s dressed too sexy. Randy thinks she “can go places and do stuff.” Welcome back, Randy and predictability.

Haeley Vaughn – “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” – The stylists were like, “More white! More glitter! More! More! More!” She smiles and moves like she’s in the Chuck E. Cheese band. Regardless, I dug what she did with the arrangement and the phrasing. If she had incorporated a voice that wasn’t annoying, she might have had something. As it was, it was bad as Simon said.

Lacey Brown – “Landslide” – Really, really bad. Worst of the night and probably the end of the line for her. I really wanted her to be good. I like her whole “I’m what a hot 40 year old wants Botox to make her look like” appearance. At least she made it further than last year.

Michelle Delamor – “Falling” – The opening was cool because she did it differently than Alicia Keys. But then she just tried to sound like her which is hard because Alicia is soooo good. And now I’m becoming a judge sound-a-like and I don’t like my chances of coming back next week. I’m forgettable.

Didi Benami – “The Way I Am” – She managed to slow down an already slow song. How does that work? The good news is that she didn’t cry so I guess she mixed it up this week. This song works for my iPod but not for American Idol. This is the second time someone sang this song this season and Simon did not like it either time even though both did a good job. It’s time for Ingrid Michaelson to step in.

Siobhan Magnus – “Wicked Games” – She is so weird. Ever since Ellen told her to make her look younger, she dressed more like a child each appearance. I’m glad the stylists stepped in before she came on stage in a diaper and protective mittens. Even though she can sing on key in the voice of a woman impersonating a man, I don’t think she should. She will be fine, however.

Crystal Bowersox – “Hand In My Pocket” – It was good but I’ve been more blown away by her in the past. She is the the leader of the females which is good because Kara thinks she has the ability to take us on a journey. One second, Bowersox, I have to pack an overnight bag. Stop talking in cliches, Kara. Talk like a person.

Katie Stevens – “Feeling Good” – It made me uncomfortable. She’s 17. Why was this allowed for a girl who has been portrayed as sweet, nice, and family-oriented? I’m too disturbed by this. She’ll be back next week. Probably in leather strutting to Christina Aguilera’s “Dirty.”

Bottom Three: How do I narrow this down? Lacey Brown is a given. There was nothing salvageable from that one. Ashley Rodriguez and Haeley Vaughn should finish up the trio.

Going Home: Lacey Brown and Ashley Rodriguez

Jesustenance – A way of living in which a human survives solely by consuming Communion wafers and church wine.

ProfessioNell - Someone who spends his/her life devoted to the impersonation of “Gimme a Break” star, Nell Carter. Also known as “The roulette dealer you can’t identify at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas.”

Afrog – The main character in a famous 1970s Toadsploitation movie. Afrog was a framed amphibian put in jail after cops found drugs and stolen merchandise at his lily pad. Afrog spends the rest of the movie clearing his name while maintaining his pond cred.

Spermanent – A hairstyle from the 90s made popular by Cameron Diaz in the movie, “There’s Something About Mary.” Does not last as long as a regular permanent.

Portreat – The ultimate in narcissistic edibles, a cracker in the likeness of the consumer.

Parliamentos – Known as “The Lawmaker,” they are a brand of mints exclusively used by England’s government.

Cromance – An overly-friendly relationship between two early modern humans. Though the persons labeled will deny it and just say they are being cros.

Spluge – A variant on the popular sledding sport. After a long slide down the track, the sledder hits a bump and takes a dive into a water pool. Points are awarded for dive tricks.

Whoremality – The point in an illicit evening of passion when the relations are over and the prostitute wants to leave but needs to get the payment. If you are the John, get this out of the way as you don’t want to meet her boss.

There is nothing more sensual than a male and female sibling dancing upon frozen water adorned in the costume of stereotypes. Nobody does it better than Sinead and John Kerr which is why I was so glad they volunteered to be the models for this, the first ever Ice Dancing Brother Sister Kama Sutra. Let’s get creepy sexy.

This is similar to a Crotch-Touching Crab Walk except at the end, your sister bends her waist allowing her soft upper thighs to provide the comforting lumbar support of a luxury car’s bucket seat. Sibling Carnal Meter: 4 Frightening Flames

BROTHER UPSKIRT VIEW
Remember all of those times that your brother looked up your skirt. Well, next time you are feeling offensively Scottish, you can get your revenge. Have your brother get in his finest Oompa Loompa stance. Throw yourself over his strong knee extending your body straight and gaze upon your brother’s undercarriage. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

Though you aren’t hideous, your weird relations with your brother have caused your parents to abandon you. Your only task is to ring that bell and your brother is the rope. Pull him. Pull on your brother with all you’ve got. Sibling Carnal Meter: 1 Frightening Flame

THE BROPOSAL
While your brother isn’t proposing to you, know that he wishes society would let him. Place your desperate groin on your brother’s knee. You are the jewelry box and he is presenting you and all your beauty. Your ass points up as his strong hands hold you at the smooth bend of your knees. Throw your head back in ecstasy. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

ERR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Your bodies are like powerful airplanes moving through the sky. Keep your arms out to the side. Your brother wasn’t on your radar nor were you on his but it’s too late for that now. Place your sexy sisterly waist between your brother’s knees. He’s so strong. Your faces are inches apart. It’s like when you were 5. He’s not touching your face. He’s not touching your face. Yet. Sibling Carnal Meter: 5 Frightening Flames

PROSTHETIC LEG
Your brother’s strong leg no longer works. You have to replace it. You’ve always wanted to be a part of him and now you can. Wrap your arms around your brother’s hungry torso. Become his leg. Help him skate. Sibling Carnal Meter: 2 Frightening Flames

FUTURE SEX/LOVE SIBLINGS
Imagine yourself in the future. The walls of injustice have come crumbling down and society recognizes a love that was once forbidden and still should be. Hold your sisterly body taught with anticipation. Your brother massages his temples to calm down his excitement. Form a canon and destroy that ground with sibling lust. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I’m always up for getting another major?

Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I’d like to put my wood in it?

Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand?

Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I’d like to (indicates self) see you on a T?

Would you mind being treated like a green that I’m 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Because I’m going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark.

Are you sure you aren’t all four majors because you would be a grand slam?

Are you into kinky stuff? How would you like to do something I won’t do for anyone on the PGA tour? I’ll let you beat me.

Hey would you like what you’re hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing?

Obviously I’m a man that loves Gatorade and I’d definitely like to raid your gato. That’s mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word for…you get the idea. I’m Tiger Woods.

• The smoke monster approaches the temple to complete its mission. As Jack and the others prepare for the worst, Deep Purple emerges to rock the island’s socks off.
• John Locke, sitting in front of the computer, gets a command from a higher force that he has to “murder all.” Not sure what that means, he types it into Google which suggests “murderball” instead. Locke falls in love with quad rugby and never fulfills his destiny.
• Sawyer takes over for Mystery in a redo of VH1′s The Pickup Artist where he replaces the concept of peacocking with drawltagging in which the predator subdues his prey with a fine Southern accent and adorable nicknaming.
• A final flash happens on the island bringing Sun and Jin face to face. Unfortunately, the flash blinded both of them resulting in Sun and Jin never seeing each other again.
• The Dharma shark beaches himself because no one paid him enough attention.
• Richard becomes a spokesman for Cover Girl’s new product, Mysterious Eyeland Liner.
• Jack outlasts everyone else on the island in the season finale. As he yells “Why?” to the sky, balloons fall and musical fanfare plays as Jeff Probst congratulates him.
• Walt reappears on the island. Unfortunately, he looks 57 but he’s trying to play the 13 he’s supposed to be.
• The polar bear corners Hurley in the woods. Hurley closes his eyes to await his doom. Time ticks. He slowly opens his eyes to see the polar bear standing before him offering him a Coke.
• Ben falls down and breaks his jaw. He is not bothered so much by the pain but by the fact that his wired-shut jaw won’t allow him to display his open-mouthed emotions.
• Bernard comes down with the wrong kind of jungle fever. Paralysis follows and ultimately death.
• Sayid encounters a bomb and has to defuse it. The majority of the episode focuses on Juliette Binoche praying for his safety as she tends to Ralph Fiennes.
• Kate eludes Edward Mars in every universe. In one universe, Edward chases Kate into a room with no way out. Kate paints a door on the wall and uses it. Edward runs at the door but smashes into the wall.

The Women’s Rights Movement – A reversal of the status quo that requires a couple of extra hours in the gym for the female. The female simply holds the male over her head by his crotch with one arm. This is also sometimes referred to as The G.I. Jane or The Revenge of the Nards.

Turkey Bowling - The female tucks herself into as small a package as she possibly can. The male skates to one end of the rink and releases her bowling style across the ice towards the opposite side. The male immediately skates as fast he can to the other side, passing the female along the way. The male positions himself as the “pin” and awaits impact. A timed cymbal smash in the music always adds to the final score.

The Moonwalk – Judges always expect fluidity in motion among the skaters but why not surprise them with the opposite? The skaters move in unison as if on the moon. They lumber in slow motion on the front of their skates as they deal with the weaker gravity. Then, to finish the program, the male picks up the female and sticks her into the ice. She extends her arm to the side as her country’s flag emerges from her sleeve and waves to the joy of the crowd.

The Junior – The female tucks herself into as small a package as she possibly can. She is placed under the costume of the male partner at the base of the torso. The male obviously cannot wear a one-piece costume unless it has a zipper. The male does the whole program with the female in the “womb.” At the end, the male releases, or births, the female for final poses. If the male is wearing the one-piece with the zipper, he may take the female out through the zipper to have a c-section as an alternative.

The Clean Up On Aisle 7 – One of the skaters must have long hair or wear a wig. The partner without the long hair picks up the other partner and holds him upside down with hair splayed on the ice. The “mop” might want to think about using forehead padding as ice is traditionally hard. The “mopper” proceeds to clean the whole rink. At the end, the “mopper” puts herself in a spin that continues until a hole is cut in the ice. To finish the performance, the “mopper” shoves the mop into the hole, or “bucket.” Pose for applause.

You rouse to another back rub. You whirl around and show relief that it is me doing it this time. Welcome to your warm chocolate bath. Let the creamy milk chocolate of 407 hand-melted* Hershey bars wash over you. Next you get into a shower for 45 minutes to an hour because chocolate does not easily come off. I promise to clean the shower and bath so you don’t have to but we know it’s just going to sit like that until you do it. Fortunately, we won’t come to a head until after this perfect day is over.

We missed lunch with all the passing out you did but we can get an early dinner at your favorite place after I show you the five funniest YouTube videos of the week. One of them is a little long but it’s worth it for this one line the guy says at the 8 minute mark. Wait for it.

Before we get to dinner, I surprise you with a romantic walk. Turns out your favorite place was a little further than the amount of gas I had in my car. I’m not mad at you. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s not like we passed 10 really great restaurants on the way.

I hold your purse. We are at the gas station and I want you to be able to easily get the gas into the container. Love is a compromise and you know I hate the smell of gasoline on my hands before eating so you make that sacrifice.**

We walk hand in non-gas hand the rest of the way to the restaurant. There is a wait but I sweet talk the attractive*** hostess into getting us a table by giving her my number and making her laugh. You order anything you want and I remind you to save room for dessert. They have your favorite. The “Rose for the lady” woman comes by and I buy everything she has – roses, teddy bears, gold watches – to make her leave us alone. You don’t finish your dessert because you say it reminds you of bath time so I have the server wrap it up knowing that will pass.

We walk back to the car which is still there unharmed because this day is perfect. When we get back to the house, your hot best friend is sitting there crying. She says her boyfriend is having an affair. Some mannish-sounding woman called and told her everything. I try to move it along and get you to commence comforting her. I open a bottle of wine to let the healing begin. It’s your favorite wine and I pour you and her healthy glasses of it.

Three bottles down and you are doing a lot of hugging and giggling. I put on “Wild Things” because I know you like pools. You tell me that your friend is spending the night and ask if I would mind sharing the bed. I tell you I don’t mind. We all head upstairs. You thank me for the wonderful day. I remind you that it doesn’t have to end now. You ask what I have in mind. I tell you I’ll be right back and leave the room.

I return with 2 pints of ice cream and I change into your least favorite outfit of mine. I grab a scrub brush and some bleach and start cleaning the chocolate-covered bathroom. You and your friend laugh as you tell me about the wonders of the hypnosis class you’ve been taking at the community college. Then Gunther comes in and gives you both back rubs bringing the day full circle. You bid me good night as I keep cleaning.

*I held each bar until it was no more.

**If you want to keep all of this. (Gestures towards self)

***Definitely slightly less than you, Beautiful.