Sep
30
2009
0

Rejected Palin Memoir Titles

It’s been a while since there was a Twitter game that I’ve partaken in. The latest has you come up with other titles for the Sarah Palin memoir. Here is what I came up with:

  1. A Pedigree of Dunces
  2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves Office
  3. 100 Days of Ineptitude: Tracking the Race from VP Consideration to November 4th
  4. I Support Abortion (Of Political Office Terms)
  5. Running With Geezers
  6. Gov in the Time of Obama
  7. Brief Interviews With Hideous Me
  8. Are You There Todd? It’s Me, Maverick
  9. The Lord of the Trig
  10. Life of Lie
Written by admin in: going rogue,memoir,sarah palin,twitter,twitter trends |
Sep
29
2009
2

Tor’s Onion Stories: September 29, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion. Unfortunately, The Onion does not accept submissions from people with last names consisting solely of 3 letters. Just my stupid luck. I’m paying the price for having an easy time filling out Scantrons in grammar school.

  • Scientists Believe Homeless Man That Throws Own Feces Could Be Missing Link
  • Fat Kid, Roger Dawkins, Does Not Like Cake
  • “Cash For Myrrh” Not Nearly As Successful As Hoped
  • Native American Destroys Old Camera Reclaiming Grandfather’s Soul
  • Boater Designs New Anchor Shaped Like Ex-Wife
  • Sad Ant Strains To Lift Half Its Body Weight
  • Soccer League Shut Down Due To Too Much Action
  • Odd-Looking Proctologist Swears He’s Not An Alien
  • Cherry Bomb Prank Backfires And Improves School’s Plumbing System
  • Portugal To Bring Back Feudalism, Disappointment
How about these? Would you like to see these in print form? Write your congressman.
Written by admin in: boat anchor,cash for myrrh,cherry bomb,fat kid likes cake,homeless,missing link,native american soul,portugal,soccer,the onion,tor's onion stories,weak ants |
Sep
28
2009
1

Alternate Titles For The Informant

I went to see “The Informant” yesterday. I enjoyed it and Matt Damon, acting at about 120% capacity, did a fantastic job. It’s worth a watch, maybe not a theater watch, but definitely a DVD rental. Anyway, I’ve been playing around with some alternate titles for the movie and here is what I’ve come up with:

  • Good Will Chunking
  • Saving Private Giant
  • All The Tasty Horses
  • Rounder
  • The Legend of Fatter Vance
  • Pigma
  • Stuck On Food
  • The Bourne Up And Ate ‘Em
  • Ocean’s Elevenses*
* Come on, “Lord of the Rings” fans!
Blogger’s Note: Special consideration goes to Dirt in the Skirt, for the Twitter suggestion of “Fat Damon.” Simple and perfect.
Written by admin in: dogma,gaining weight,good will hunting,matt damon,ocean's 11,rounders,saving private ryan,stuck on you,the bourne trilogy,the informant |
Sep
25
2009
0

Terrible TV Show Ideas (Take 2)

I did this a few months back and I feel it’s time to do it once more.

  1. An uptight lawyer is intrigued by the crazy experiments of the research group he is sharing an apartment with. Coming soon: Dharma Initiative and Greg. “They HanSO crazy!”
  2. Life is as hard as you make it and this U.S. Navy legal advisor makes it really hard. Coming soon: JAG-Off. “He’s got all hands on deck and deck doesn’t like it and needs to say something to a superior.”
  3. Dylan McDermott leads an acclaimed team as they adjust some of the most important spines in Boston. Coming soon: The ChiroPractice. “There’s no case they can’t crack.”
  4. Wanting to be more than one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men, a man sets out to improve the aesthetics of all the unfortunate-looking maidens in England. Coming soon: Friar Nip/Tuck. “Shouldn’t there be 2 d’s in ‘damsel?’”
  5. A music-and-comedy duo keeps things light as they storm Normandy as the only members of Easy Company. Coming soon: Band of Smothers Brothers. “Mom may like one better but Germany hates them both.”
  6. A conniving high school student schemes his way through classes under the ignorant watch of a germaphobe. Coming soon: Saved By the Mandel. “Let’s see what’s in briefcase number FUN!”
  7. A street-smart teenager gets in a fight and is sent to live with his distant Slavic relatives. Coming soon: Fresh Prince of Belgrade. “In West Philadelphia born and raised, Serbia is where he’ll spend all of his days.”
  8. A delicious alternative to beer helps the less fortunate occupants of Ancient Greece. Coming soon: Zima: Warrior Princess. “She’s going to give bad guys zomething to think about.”
  9. Superman keeps his identity hidden by posing as a fairly successful cartoonist during the day. Coming soon: Hi and Lois and Clark. “Sometimes it’s nice to make someone smile without saving their life.”
  10. At night, delivery truck drivers get together to blow off steam with underground bare-knuckle boxing and one man is the best promotor in town. Coming soon: Don King of Queens. “There will be a fight for glory-a in Astoria!”
Blogger’s Note: I started doing Ray Lewis Can’t Lose about a football player who could get away with murder (figuratively) but that doesn’t trump the fact that he got away with murder (literally).
Written by admin in: dharma initiative,don king,dylan mcdermott,hi and lois,howie mandel,jag,robin hood,saved by the bell,smothers brothers,superman,tv shows,zima |
Sep
24
2009
0

Bing Boredom


They help with arthritis!


There are numbers you can call. :(

That farmer must wake up every day singing about his dog and hating every second of it.

Q: How they hanging? A: Tantrically.
Written by admin in: bing,bing search engine,boredom,cherries,farmer dogs,intervention,sting's testicles |
Sep
22
2009
1

Going To The Movies: Benjamin Linus

It took many weeks for Eloise Hawking to find me a flight that would get me to the Island. I don’t know why Ben couldn’t take a sub to meet me in New Jersey. I know Locke blew up their sub but they don’t have a backup sub? They seem to have everything at their fingertips but a second sub? No, that’s crazy. It’s much easier for me to be in a FREAKIN’ PLANE CRASH to get to Ben Linus.

I’m sorry. It was just a miserable experience. I woke up hanging from a tree, a stolen copy of “The Invention of Lying” dangling three branches over. I’ll spare you the shimmying and the stretching but I got down with a minimal amount of head bumps. (My phrenologist is going to have a field day.)
Ben had set up the video monitors in The Pearl station to display the film together. Ben was dressed better than his picture. He greeted me warmly and apologized for the inconveniences I had in my travels. I punched him in the face. It made me feel better and he didn’t retaliate. He merely said he got that a lot. We sat down and watched the movie, finishing off two bags of 30 year-old Dharma popcorn.
Kevin
So, Ben, let’s get this over with so I can get back home. What did you think of the movie?
Ben Linus
I’m sorry, Kevin. You can’t go home.
Kevin
Excuse me?
Ben Linus
The Island has been going through some depression and we were hoping you could cheer it up with your…comedy.
Kevin
You want me to tell jokes to a land mass?

Ben Linus
In a sense…yes.
Kevin
I’m going home. I’m going to build a raft and head on a bearing of 305 degrees. Bye, Ben.
Ben Linus
I can’t let you do that.
Kevin stands up. Ben pulls out a gun and points it in Kevin’s direction.
Ben Linus
Have a seat. I want to show you something.
Kevin sits down. Ben pulls out a video tape and puts it in to a VCR. Dr. Pierre Chang appears on the screen.
Dr. Chang
Hello and welcome to the Dharma Initiative. This is Station 5, The Pearl. I cannot express what an honor it is to have you, Mr. Carlin.
Kevin
Carlin?
Ben pauses the video.
Ben Linus
It was the 70s. We also have a tape for Richard Pryor but I figured George Carlin was closer to you.
Kevin
Because I’m white?
Ben Linus
No, because I think currently, you are just as funny as he is.
Kevin
But he’s dead now.
Ben Linus
Exactly. Funny, right? You can use that in your act.
Kevin
That was disrespecful. Look, you can’t be serious.
Ben Linus
Oh, I’m dead serious, Jack.
Kevin
You mean Kevin.
Ben Linus
Sorry, I’m so used to saying that to Jack. Shall we continue?
Ben hits “play” on the VCR.
Dr. Chang
Mr. Carlin, we have chosen you for your ability to observe and comment humorously on what you see. The Pearl Station is the perfect place to do that with cameras monitoring all points of the island. Just write down anything that strikes you in the notebooks provided and, at the end of the day, send them in the tubes where they will be transfered to the appropriate personal. Thank you again, Mr. Carlin, and welcome to the Dharma Initiative.
Kevin
I know where the tubes go. There’s an open field where the notebooks are piled with no one reading them.
Ben Linus
Not true. The Island reads them.
(beat)
Well, if that’s all, I’ll let you get started.
Kevin
I’m not staying here!
Ben hits Kevin in the back of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him unconscious.
And that’s how I came to be on this island. I don’t know how long it will be until I get to do another Going to the Movies. I don’t know how long it will be until I see my wife again. Ben promised me I would only be here for six months but isn’t that what he told Juliet, too? I want to thank Jacob for helping me get this blog out. As for The Invention of Lying, it was very funny and very original. I recommend seeing it. Maybe someone can take my wife to see it. I know she would like that. Until next time, whenever that is. I love you, honey.
Written by admin in: ben linus,dharma initiative,dr. chang,george carlin,going to the movies,invention of lying,jacob,juliet burke,lost |
Sep
21
2009
1

Tor’s Onion Stories: September 21, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion if they wanted me to submit to them, which they don’t.

  • A New Breed Of Clumsy Eagles Not Helping America’s Image
  • Less Than Perfect Pushups Still Yield Good Results
  • Real Life “Doogie Howser” Not As Much Fun
  • 7-Year-Old Boy Saved From Drowning By Plastic Bag Over His Head
  • Black Sets Record Straight: “Nothing Is The New Me”
  • Performer Attendance Down 40 Percent At Broadway Shows
  • Woman With Nine Children Turns Down Reality Series, Claims Did It For Love
  • Oil Driller Misses The Attention He Got After “Armageddon” Came Out
  • White Collar Comedy Not As Popular In The South
  • Britney Spears’ Singing Passes Yodeling And Loogie Hocking On “Annoying Mouth Noises” Chart
Would you read these?
Written by admin in: armageddon,black,britney spears,broadway,clumsy eagles,doogie howser,nonamom,pushups,tor's onion stories |
Sep
16
2009
0

Tor’s News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a “jackass.” He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.
An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy’s school struggled to say, “Pink grasshopper…wildlife event for fun…too…much” and then exploded.
Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.
Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on “The View.” Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of “gone from our lives forever.”
A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald’s for 50 years of service. The man said he’s one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, “Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?” before getting his award for 20 years of service.
Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.
Written by admin in: andrew dice clay,barack obama,kanye west,kate gosselin,mcdonald's,pink grasshopper,snuggie,taylor swift,tim gunn |
Sep
15
2009
1

Toroscopes

Hey! Miss Kevin here! I thought I would start your day off right with some Toroscopes. So sit back and see what the stars have in store for you today.

ARIES – The planets are aligned for you today, Sweet Aries. There’s $4.35 lying on a subway seat in Midtown with your name on it. Don’t let anyone get in your way. They mess with the Ram, they get the horns. If you do engage in fisticuffs, keep an eye out for someone in navy underwear with stripes. I’m seeing a romantic aura that could mean “The One.” Still, it’s about the money so beat “The One” enough to keep him incapacitated while you retrieve it. That’s good Starbucks scratch!
TAURUS – Jupiter can be a real equus’ patootie sometimes and today is one of those sometimes. Keep an eye out for trouble in the form of a homeless man on a zamboni. Which homeless man on a zamboni? Trust me, Fair Taurus, you’ll know the one. Prepare yourself by keeping ketchup in your pocket. Make sure it’s loose ketchup and not packets. You want to fling it directly into his eyes so it splatters. Also, it might be time to treat yourself to a new couch!
GEMINI – It’s clear sailing for you, Gemini. Mercury went on a bender last night and isn’t waking up for days. Today’s the day you put your financial worries aside because you’re going on a coast-to-coast gas station robbing spree! You know that virus in the coat closet that I made you steal four months ago from the lab? It’s time to inject your favorite Aunt with it. Law enforcement is getting harder and harder to elude with today’s technology. Having a beloved sick aunt is a great story to tell the jury, especially through real tears. Also, make sure you return those movies to Netflix!
CANCER – Why are you always so depressed, Cancer? Cheer up. Here are the winning numbers for tonight’s Mega Millions: 2, 8, 22, 23, 40, MB 19. Does that get a wittle smile? Does it, Cancer? Who’s a happy Cancer? Who’s a happy Cancerrrr?
LEO – Do you like the world on the half shell because it is your oyster today, Sexy Leo. People in Africa may be suffering horrible atrocities at the hands of religious zealots but that’s the furthest thing from your mind. It’s time to splurge for that new car. You’ve wanted it for some time. Just because all the adorable sea turtles of the world are going to be extinct real soon doesn’t mean you can’t have a convertible. Let the sun shine on your face as you ride up the coast but do it soon because that coast is going to be under water once global warming gets done with this place. Keep smiling, Lucky Leo!
VIRGO – Stop being a freakin’ prude, Virgo! You need to open yourself up physically to someone and stop teasing! You think he’s going to wait around for you forever! I-He’s got women throwing themselves at him! Why don’t I take one of them, then? Maybe I will! You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Then you’d get everything! Lucky numbers: 16 and 30.
LIBRA – Take a day for yourself. Put on your drabbest, most comfortable clothes. Even if they are in the hamper. Take them out and put them on. Rent a zamboni and cruise the town.
SCORPIO – Something unexpected will happen today but, if I tell you what it is, it won’t be unexpected anymore. Do you want a hint, Scorpio? It has something to do with your mom and a bus. That’s all I can say. I’ve said too much already. No, really. Let it go. Just trust that you will be shocked. Stop harassing me! I CONTROL THE STARS!!! I CAN MAKE IT SO THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!! Ironically, after today, you’ll be wishing for that. That’s my last hint, though. Man, I’m so talkative around you. Lucky numbers: 1, 8, and 7.
SAGITTARIUS – Today’s the day to ask your boss for a promotion. You’re going to walk right up to your boss, kiss him square on the lips and say, “I deserve a promotion.” If that doesn’t work, start doing the Raj dance from “What’s Happening!!” while singing “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. The confusion of fast-paced Raj dancing and the sadness of the “City of Angels” song will distract him enough for you to handcuff yourself to him. Now visibly swallow the key and rub your belly to act like it was delicious. Also, if he has bolt cutters (Where do you work that the boss has those lying around?), swallow those too. After he agrees to the promotion, take him to dinner. You’re stuck with each other for a while anyway!
CAPRICORN – Take advice from wherever you can get it because all of your ideas up to this point have been duds, you stupid goat. Here’s an idea – stick your head in an oven! Or how about getting high and playing with your father’s gun? I know, take up snake charming. Anything would be better than using the air that belongs to more important people! Treat yourself to a manicure!
AQUARIUS – You have an artistic side and it’s time to show it, Water Person. Take every flier offered on the street today. Make a collage out of them and submit it to a gallery. Don’t worry if the gallery takes the collage, walks a little bit away from you, and throws it in the garbage. That’s just what happens. Keep at it and eventually a gallery will hold onto it and show it. Also, don’t answer the phone between the hours of 6 and 9!
PISCES – What’s up, Fish? Neptune is claiming you as his bitch so you are going to have to live under his rules. (Cue Barry White.) Neptune likes his fish sexy so put on some makeup and learn how to work a pole. It’s going to be a long term if you fight it so give in early and try to enjoy it. Neptune takes care of those that take care of him. So do as 2 In A Room would have you do and “wiggle it.” Also, make a cake for fun!
Written by admin in: astrology,horoscopes,miss kevin,toroscopes,zodiac |
Sep
14
2009
1

Kanye West’s Taylor Swift Apology (Deleted Parts)

As many of you know, Kanye West jumped on the stage yesterday during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV VMAs. Kanye took Taylor Swift’s microphone and told the audience that Beyonce should have won. Well, Kanye was feeling bad about the whole thing and put an apology up on his blog.

I would link to the blog but it’s not currently working so here is what he put up on it:
“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”
Now, we here at Tor’s Take were fortunate enough to get the parts that Kanye deleted just before posting. It just warms my heart to work with such a crack research team. (And not a crack team on research. Am I right?) This stuff is pretty shocking. Anyway, without further ado:
“TAYLOR’S VOICE IS WEAKER THAN A HO WITH A ROOFIE!!! SHE’S STILL MAD TALENTED, THOUGH!!!!”
“LISTEN YALL, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC…IT’S REALLY GOOD!! I JUST THINK WE SHOULD BURN THAT MOTHER F’N OPRY TO THE GROUND!!!!!!”
“I’M HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!! I KNOW I MAY HAVE RUINED HER MOMENT BUT IT’S NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP AT HER WEDDING AND TOLD HER I WAS BETTER THAN THE GROOM!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!!! CONGRATS, T-SWIFT!!!!”
“!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“TAYLOR IS BEAUTIFUL!!! I’D LOVE TO WORK WITH HER ONE DAY!!!!! THEN SHE COULD KNOW WHAT REAL MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!!!! BOOOOOOOOYEEEEEE!!!”
“I HOPE HER NASTY TEENAGE ASS GETS HIT BY A BUS!!!!! SHE LOOKED HOT IN THAT DRESS!!! MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!”
“I LIKE THE SONG WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LOVE AND HIGH SCHOOL AND, PROBABLY TWILIGHT!!! THAT ONE’S ON MY IPOD!!!”
“TAYLOR’S MOM IS SO GREAT!!! I’D HAVE TO RANK HER IN THE TOP 100 MILLION OF MOMS!!!”
“MY FANS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I HOPE THEY DON’T RUN OUT ON ME….BUT IF THEY DO, I HAVE A LIST OF THOSE FANS I WOULD BE FINE WITH SEEING GO!!!!! I’LL POST THAT LATER, SON!!!!!”
“I JUST DID WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE!!! MY BEST FRIEND TOTALLY AGREES….AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! IT’S TOO BAD HE’S TRAPPED IN THAT RECTANGLE OF GLASS ABOVE MY BATHROOM SINK!!!!! I’LL GET YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!”
“I KEEP WATCHING THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OVER AND OVER HOPING THAT THIS TIME I WON’T GET UP AND TAKE THE MIC FROM HER BUT EVERY TIME SHE STILL WINS SO IT PLAYS OUT THE RIGHT WAY!!!! TAYLOR’S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!”
“THIS IS LIFE!!! THE WRONG PEOPLE WIN ALL THE TIME!!!! TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE!!! I’M ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN’T WIN!!!”
“REMEMBER WHEN TAYLOR WAS ON SNL AND SHE PLAYED ANNIE!!! SHE WAS SO GREAT!!! IT MADE ME WISH SHE WAS AN ORPHAN FOR REAL!!!!!!! XOXOX!!!!!”
Written by admin in: 2009 vmas,apology,best female artist,beyonce,douchey,kanye west,mtv,taylor swift,video music awards,vmas |
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