Kevin Tor

All of my life, the night before Halloween was known as “Goosey Night,” which is fine when you’re in your little suburban New Jersey bubble. Venture outside of this bubble and the laughs begin. Let me take you back to my first October 30th at college:

Remember this old fight from freshman year of high school:

Always Infinity. As Adam Sandler’s character Barry once said in an SNL sketch, “Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?” I think a woman wants nothing more than to think about that time of the month becoming the length of that month and every other month after that. Then the response to “What are you, on the rag?” can be “Well, I’m a woman between puberty and menopause, aren’t I? So, I guess the answer is yes.” Here’s your period…FOREVER! Was “Always And For The Rest Of Your Miserable, Cranky, Bloated, Uncomfortable Life” taken? Wow. 

They have grey hair, varicose veins, thick glasses, and a whole lot of shirt hidden below the top of their pants. They drive into parked cars, walk like a wind-up toy, complain about produce, and rarely bathe. They are so close to death, they smell like the oak that will surround them in the ground. But other than that, there’s no real way to tell if someone is old and, therefore, should be paying less for certain things at certain stores.

It’s the “Don’t Forget My Senior Discount” hat! No longer will old people have to go through mild strokes when the check comes with that extra ten percent.* No longer will they have to do that creepy, old person throat clear thing necessary to allow their speech. And most importantly, no longer will us younger people have to interact with them because most of the time they do give you the weather and not the news. Well, the weather if it rained phlegm and Polident. Not pleasant.

Last night, I had the (let’s go with) pleasure of going to the movies with Dwight Schrute of The Office fame. Actually, we didn’t go to the movies. We attempted to see a sneak preview of Changeling.

“Once you see this thing, you unload everything you can until it stops moving and you shoot only for the head.” I may leave my wife for this movie. It pains me that I didn’t think of this first. David Hasselhoff and man-eating, super snakes. This is going to be the number one movie of all time in Germany.

When the liberal lefties start planting impossible to answer questions in third graders like Brandon Garcia to further their agenda, it becomes apparent just how dirty the democrats are playing this game. Since VP candidate Palin got the answer wrong and no one really knows what the Vice President does (or ever will), I thought I would make a list that comes from the other direction. Here are some other things the Vice President doesn’t do:

When I recently saw the headline, “Lock, Stock, and One Smoking Divorce Settlement,” used to depict the end of Madonna and Guy Ritchie, I decided I could do much worse.

Over the weekend, I went to see Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. I was joined by Barney Stinson from the wonderful TV show, How I Met Your Mother, which can be seen on Mondays on CBS.

I’m starting a new series on my blog where I take a TV character and discuss a movie with him or her. Today, I went to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua with Vic Mackey from The Shield.