Kevin Tor

PETA asked Ben and Jerry’s to use human breast milk to make their ice cream instead of the traditionally tasty cow milk. Few things could get me out of my current lifestyle of sitting on the couch and watching TV waiting for Comedy Central to call me* but this is one of them. You see, women only produce milk when they are pregnant (unless something’s severely wrong and then they should see a doctor) and a man would be needed to do the impregnating. I can do this job. My wife would be fine with it because she loves ice cream and I’d probably get an awesome employee discount. Also, it’s always been a dream of mine to be a stud. Almost nothing about my appearance screams “stud” but if it’s my title, people would be forced to acknowledge it. Do you hear that, High School? I’m a stud! In your it’s-been-so-long-I-should-let-it-go faces! 

My friends, Sara Benincasa and Diana Saez, have been making these awesome videos depicting VP candidate Sarah Palin if she had a vlog on youtube. Well, since you can’t keep good things down (I think I’ll start doing some good things for just that reason), they have been picked up by the Huffington Post to make the videos for their amazing site. I can’t be prouder of the two of them. I’ve tried. Check out the first video below.

Beverly Hill Chihuahua. Chi-Hua-Hua! How does this still happen? People still want to see creepy talking animals? Really? They all sound like Carlos Mencia, only funny. (Ba Dum Chhhh) You know who rocked the world and never said freaking word? Spuds MacKenzie. He was just a dog that liked to crash parties, peddle some Bud Light, and putter around in his submarine. All the girls wanted him. F’n stud dog.

If you’ll note the dice laces. That’s all. Just note them. Dice laces! I want these and, truth be told, I’m more of a Boggle man. But really, can you picture Boggle sneakers? How stupid would that be?

According to this story, Facebook and other social networking sites have passed pornography in terms of internet popularity. Does anyone else feel bad for porn? How can friendship and communication be more fun than two midgets dressed as beefeaters licking whipped cream off a zebra taint on a cool, autumn night? What’s wrong with virtual society?

Chris Sifflet, whose last blog entry is fabulous, is a great friend. Last night, he had the debut of his show Auction! at Ochi’s Lounge. I think it was a rousing success. The boy can host the poo out of a show. This show is going to last for decades.* I hope you all will come out to the next one. Bring quarters. It’s time to start neglecting your laundry, people. There’s good stuff to be had. Great job again, Chris.

Jericho Scott is not allowed to play baseball. He throws the ball too hard. In fact, the last team he was scheduled to face forfeited before taking the field. Then, the league disbanded his team and offered the players refunds or positions on other squads. The boy throws the ball well. It’s not like he has SARS. And, if he does have SARS, I’m going to give it to my kid so he can throw a baseball really hard, too. So what if our pediatrician tells us there’s no medical precedent linking the respiratory disease to pitching prowess? As a parent, you have to take chances in the name of your child’s future. While I’m at it, give my son the bird flu, as well. Maybe that will help him kick fifty-yard field goals. I know what you’re thinking: It’s a little ridiculous to infect your child in the name of improving his sports abilities. Well, you might be right but then again we also stopped a kid from playing his favorite sport because he was too good at it.

Doesn’t Malaysia mean “bad Asia?” Well, if it doesn’t, it does to Avril Lavigne. Malaysia canceled her upcoming concert because it was deemed “too sexy.” Frankly, I don’t think this has anything to do with the famous Canadian art of seduction born into her and every other female native of that fine country. Nope. I have it on good authority that Malaysia and Lavigne go way back. In fact, Malaysia and Lavigne had an intimate relationship in the year 2000 that ended in heartbreak when Lavigne caught Malaysia in bed with Mandy Moore. Additionally, it is believed that the song “Complicated” was written about the troubles that grew between Malaysia and Lavigne. You could say that Malaysia is the Coulier to Avril’s Alanis. Tell it like it is, Malaysia. “Too sexy?” Please. It’s just payback for being the focus of a hit song full of teen angst. Avril, you don’t need Malaysia. It doesn’t fit into your happy ending. Whoooa oh. Whoa oh.