Kevin Tor

Tor Baby Countdown: 27 Days

admin — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:56:00 +0000

Wow. That’s 3 9-day weeks away. I realized something today. If you take away the incessant heartburn, the ever-swelling ankles and feet, the pain under the rib cage, the sleepless nights, the pugilism aimed at the internal organs, the constant bathroom runs, the unhappiness with getting dressed every day in the awful clothes, and the overall discomfort, carrying Boy Jerkface for the cumulative five minutes every day has given me a real sense of what it’s like to be pregnant.

With my insensitive powers combined…

We went to the baby doctor today. We are at the point where we will go every Wednesday. (Do you hear that robbers? Our home will be empty every Wednesday but I’m not giving you the time. You have to work a little.) Also, “baby doctor” is not a disrespectful way of putting it. He specialized in baby at med school and holds a BMD. Disrespectful would be laughing and saying, “You have a bowel movement degree.”

Before I go to the baby doctor, I make sure I go to the bathroom. Like I force it out. I want to ensure I don’t have to use the bathroom at the doctor’s office. I am going to explain the scenario I want to avoid when I do all of this stuff. Let’s take a glimpse into my stupid, stupid mind.

I go to the bathroom. I finish my business, wash my hands, and exit the bathroom. I say hi and smile at a nurse as I return to the room my wife is in. That nurse goes to find a file somewhere. Another nurse, having checked the contents of my wife’s or some other patient’s urine sample, goes into the bathroom, lifts the lid, and pours it out into the toilet. She leaves the bathroom. The first nurse goes in shortly after and finds the seat up. That nurse blames it on the guy who she saw leaving the bathroom earlier. I’m the jerk who left the toilet seat up at the OB/GYN.

I didn’t do it.

I can’t handle that. I could try to explain that I never pee standing up or rarely go in public but that will just exacerbate the problem and prolong the discomfort. That is just a little taste of the anguish I feel when I go to the baby doctor with my wife.

In other news, the baby is doing well.

American Idol Season 9 – Top 5

admin — Wed, 05 May 2010 00:56:00 +0000

Harry Connick, Jr. is a great musician. And a total goofball. I was nervous when I heard that he was arranging the songs for them because I like when the Idols (Lee and Crystal) do their own thing but I think it worked out. Truthfully, I feel like as long as Lee is ok, the mentor did a good job. Also, they still found a way to go over the hour and cut into Glee with only 5 singers. How?!?!

Aaron Kelly – “Fly Me to the Moon” – When his hips wiggle like that, I like to picture him with 12 hula hoops about his waist. It makes the boring performances more entertaining. “Keep going, Aaron! Oh no, one’s falling! Wait, the song’s over?” Perfect.

Something to shoot for, Aaron. That’s 100.

Casey James – “Blue Skies” – The Brookstone massage chair was at the highest setting for this song. Now I know why Casey never holds notes. It’s because the world isn’t ready for it. Casey needs to find another world where they will accept that kind of singing. And I think he can book a ticket on a exploratory rocket for tomorrow morning.

Crystal Bowersox – “Summer Wind” – I thought it was dull. It sounded pretty but I didn’t want to hear it a second time which I have for past Crystal performances. She talks back too much and the stylists dress her horribly. If she was on “What Not to Wear,” Stacy and Clinton would throw out her whole Idol wardrobe before they gave her a shopping spree.

“It all starts with a bra that really fits.”

Big Mike – “The Way You Look Tonight” – It’s never good when he’s my other favorite besides Lee. It was good. I’ll begrudgingly give it to him. I’m handing over the positive critique with a tight grip as Big Mike tries to take it but I won’t let go. “Good job, Big Mike” comes off my tongue just as easily as “Here, you can have my winning Mega Millions ticket” but he deserves it. Damn it.

Lee DeWyze – “That’s Life” – Minus a strange arrangement at the end, I loved it. A good performance from Lee is like waking up in the morning. You just know it’s going to happen. Lee took the top spot from Crystal tonight after being second all season. Just like Phil will take Tiger’s spot this weekend. Great job.

Bottom Three: We will finally have Crystal in the Bottom 3. She’ll be fine but I think she belongs here after two so-so weeks. Aaron will be here as usual but he has more of a teenage girl following than Casey does so he’ll be safe. That leaves Casey who failed to put consistent weeks together. If he was in trouble after being good last week, then he will easily go home after this crapfest.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

admin — Tue, 04 May 2010 12:48:00 +0000

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don’t know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it’s Tuesday and that means “New Fruit Day.” Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact – The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman’s game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby’s head upon world entry.

I’m still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don’t scream “father material.” I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, “That guy can impregnate someone.” I just don’t put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I’m goofy. Also, previous to now, I’ve never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don’t do a search for “fertile vibe.”

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I’ve Accomplished list. It’s right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don’t know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can’t wait. Though I will for the baby’s medical well-being. See? I’m a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn’t have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.

Tor Baby Countdown: 29 Days

admin — Mon, 03 May 2010 13:13:00 +0000

Oh man, that’s less than a month.

Let’s get to it. You’re wondering how the hospital bag is. You’re wondering if it’s in the car already. You’re wondering about all of the fun my wife and I had packing it. You’re wondering whether we packed jammies or a nightie. You’re wondering if we packed an extra night’s worth of stuff thus guaranteeing a c-section. You’re wondering if I’m typing all of this to avoid telling you we didn’t pack a bag. Well, you know what I’m wondering? Why do you care if we brought jammies or a nightie? Pervert!

It’s the maternity ward not a getaway in the Poconos.

Fine, we didn’t pack the hospital bag. We have a pile of things that can go in a bag, though. There’s some new toothbrushes, lip balm, hair ties, and a dress. That’s enough, right? That’s all we need. What’s wrong with us? Why aren’t we packing this bag?

Google says this is the “bag from hell”

Don’t get me wrong. The bag is very practical. I know this. When my wife goes into labor, it will be very hard to scoop all of the stuff in my arms and guide her down the stairs to the car. I’ve been carrying Boy Jerkface for a couple of weeks but he’s just one thing. A bag would be so helpful. Why do I hate bags?

Maybe I can tie a knot in the bottom of my wife’s dress and use it as a bag. It could hold a lot of stuff. With the pregnancy, my wife’s dresses are currently the equivalent of a 30-gallon trash bag. That’s not a shot on her size. She’s pregnant. The dresses are bigger. Relax.

They Fall line at Mimi Maternity stores.

Ok, this weekend. I promise.

Tor Baby Countdown: 32 Days

admin — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 13:13:00 +0000

The baby in my wife’s belly moves a lot. The doctor says there is no such thing as too much movement so I assume we’re fine. Every night before we go to sleep (10 pm), my wife and I lie in bed and watch the belly. This is what it reminds me of.

There are times where some part of the baby moves from one side of the belly to the other. If Kevin Bacon and the dad from “Family Ties” were there, it would totally be a scene from Tremors. The baby’s probably not going to pop through the skin and kill me but I’m not going to get too close for safety’s sake. Also, in case the baby is a subterranean carnivore, how do I go about putting a onesie on it?

It would explain why my wife is so uncomfortable.

Sometimes the baby will poke arms and legs out at different points of the belly. It’s good to know that she’s got that kind of reach. The way the belly bulges looks like a bunch of squirrels fighting in a sack. It’s almost cartoonish but it’s not. If this was a cartoon, during birth the doctor would surf out of the delivery room when the water broke while the nurses danced 60s beach movie-style. Then a flag would pop out of my wife’s area that says “Born!” and we’d laugh.

How did she sneak a gun into my wife’s uterus?

There is also a bounce which is a ripple away from making me think a T-Rex is coming. It’s a quick pop of the belly. It’s violent and it got me in the ear once when I was trying to hear the baby’s heartbeat. These are the quick jabs of a future boxer. Mo Cuishle Tor.

I wanted a Million Dollar Baby picture but this one was more ridiculous.

Finally, there’s the one I call “the miracle.” I use it to describe every movement. Let’s get sticky and slide down the side of a tree because it’s time to get sappy. It is amazing to watch this person inside my wife let us know she’s in there. It is the highlight of my day right above Sporstcenter and writing a good tweet. I look forward to it. Is it 10pm yet?

NJ Candidate for Governor: This is New Jersey

admin — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 01:11:00 +0000

If Tim James can take a stand on the English language in Alabama, this candidate can take a stand for New Jersey.

Thanks to YouTube User doriansol for the piano.

If you would like to see the video that inspired me, check it out here.

American Idol Season 9 – Top 6 (Eliminations)

admin — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 12:08:00 +0000

Shania Twain Week ended without a Shania Twain performance but we got two performances with Rascal Flatts. The lead singer of Rascal Flatts is going for the look of “drag queen at his day job.”

Tonight! At Boa’s! Edie Rascal!

It was a lot of country tonight. After Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood came out to not sing and then introduce a band full of every character Bill Hader plays on SNL. They played for 45 to 107 minutes. My fast forward button asked me to take a break halfway through. Lady Antebellum sang a song, too. I like this song because it allows me to check out other radio stations when it comes on. The final performance was Shakira with Rascal Flatts. That went together like tone-deaf oil and boring water. It was a successful night.

Bottom 3:

Michael Lynche – Big Mike will never go home. He will continue to appear on my television screen pounding his chest and licking his lips long after the season ends. At some point, he will come out of the television like the killer girl in “The Ring” and continually bear hug lift me without my permission. I’m finding a way to come to terms with this. I see no other outcome.

Casey James – Casey was good this week but that’s not enough anymore. He didn’t build a large enough following with all of his average performances. That’s what you need. Crystal was not good this week but she has a following. I think he makes it one more week.

Siobhan Magnus – She has just not been as good or entertaining as she was back in the beginning of the competition. There’s only enough room in this competition for one boring person and America prefers Aaron’s boredom over hers. It’s a shame. I actually prefer her boredom because it had a chance to go away.

Final Thought: This is probably the worst Top 5 in Idol history. If I could never hear Aaron and Big Mike sing again then that means I figured out that I don’t have to watch the show. I can watch literally anything else. However, they are still here and I will have to find another way to say how skeevy Mike is or how dull Aaron is. Does America know how hard it is to write about them every week? At least we have Lee and Crystal.

Tor Baby Countdown: 34 Days

admin — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 18:46:00 +0000

Two weeks ago, Baby Center told us it was time to pack a hospital bag. I wrote about it. My wife and I made plans each of the last two weekends to pack that hospital bag. There is still no hospital bag. What’s the hold up?

Reason 1 – What’s the point in packing a bag? My wife is going to be in a gown the whole time and the hospital provides slipper socks. I don’t need a change of clothes because I want to look haggard and defeated by the time I leave. If I look refreshed, people are going to think I’m vain and care more about my appearance than my wife’s well-being. They’ll think, “Did he spend the whole time at the spa while his wife suffered in the room?” I can’t live with that minute possibility.

“That’s great, honey. Keep pushing. I’ll be there soon.”

Reason 2 – We’re not ready to be ready for a baby. Packing that bag shows acceptance of leaving the non-parenthood portion of our lives. (Way more than conception did.) This is the first time you aren’t packing a bag to go on a nice vacation. You are going to take care of someone for the rest of you life. How do you pack for decades of worry? 6 handkerchiefs and a Costco size box of Tums? Not ready to process that pack job.

Do you have these in chalkier?

Reason 3 – We have sour candy, clothes, slippers, toiletries, receiving blankets, and other baby stuff. So we have the innards for such a bag. The problem is that we actually don’t have the bag. We can’t pack what we don’t have. That’s called logic. Suck it, Baby Center.

Reason 4 – We forgot. I swear I told my wife on Thursday of last week that we were going to pack a bag. Then Tuesday comes around and I never thought about the bag at any point in between. Look, I got a lot of stuff going on. I have to write jokes on Twitter. I have to walk and feed the Siblings Jerkface. I have to watch movies that I’ve already seen. I don’t see how baby fits into any of that. If you want to hire a life organizer for me to squeeze an extra hour into my day, go right ahead.

Ok, I put “hospital bag” in my Google Calendar. Now how do I remember to look at it?

I’m almost positive my wife and I will pack a hospital bag this weekend. We pretty much have to. That baby is going to come bag or not. I asked our doctor. Tune in for the “27 Days” blog and see if we come through on this.

American Idol Season 9 – Top 6

admin — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 00:36:00 +0000

Shania Twain Week was better than I thought it was going to be. She’s so likable. Is she Irish Canadian? Her accent is confusing. She sounded like Brad Pitt in “Snatch” at times. Anyway, I guess if there has to be a “country” week on American Idol, this was the way to do it.

Lee DeWyze – “You’re Still The One” – Lee is like a 1994 Ford Taurus. He’s reliable. Another solid performance from him and that’s all he needs to do on this show. I simply like hearing him sing. More like Lee DeBecauze! Am I right?

Big Mike – “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing” – The stairs have been bad luck this season. Aaron and Siobhan had terrible moments starting on the stairs. Big Mike licks his lips too much. Are they chapped? Also, I think he wears all of the jewelry and accessories to hold him down from floating away on his inflated ego. He must have studied Wanya Morris from Boyz II Men because he does all of his movements. Watch.

The difference is that Wanya Morris earned the right to look like a pompous ass by selling millions and millions and millions of albums.

Casey James – “Don’t” – I liked Jealous Guy better but this was good, too. It’s nice when he doesn’t stand on stage and jam on the electric. We all know he can play a mean ax. (Is that right? Or is it “axe?”) When he pushes his voice, he vibrates like he’s sitting in a massage chair on high at Brookstone. Casey James – he’s gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-e-a-a-t!

Crystal Bowersox – “No One Needs To Know” – I’m not enjoying this at all. What’s happening? Will she be in the Bottom 3? It’s possible. She got very defensive when the judges actually criticized her. America doesn’t like that and because she has been shining every week, this is the first time we’ve seen this side of her. Ew, Crystal. Bad form.

Aaron Kelly – “You Got a Way” – Aaron was like a giant drill making a tunnel in the side of a mountain because…wait for it…he was boring! What kind of musical career could he possibly have? The only thing I can think of is he could play Ben Stein’s teacher part in a Ferris Bueller musical.

Bueller! Have you seen that student?

Bueller! His attendance would be prudent.

Bueller! Bueller! BUELLERRRR!

(Cue Dancers)

Siobhan Magnus – “Any Man of Mine” – At one point, the mic tried to stop working to put us out of our misery. Actually, I don’t know if it was her or the song. At times, it felt like she was singing the “Time Warp.” That might have been better. Can Shania Twain go back in time and write that song instead? In fact, that’s the perfect nickname for Siobhan – Rocky Horror. Her performances are shaky and frighteningly bad.

Bottom Three: I don’t really care how much Randy thought this week was in Aaron’s wheelhouse, he’s in the Bottom Three. Joining him will be Big Mike because the voters don’t even know who Luther Vandross is, let alone want someone who sounds like him. Also, he’s icky to look at. For the last spot, it would be fun to see Crystal here because that would guarantee her a spot in the Final but I think it will be Casey over Siobhan. He had a good week but Rocky Horror has a loyal following.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly

Tor Baby Countdown: 35 Days

admin — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 13:22:00 +0000

It’s Tuesday and time for another installment of “What Kind of Produce Is Killing My Wife From the Inside Out?” We are at 35 weeks now and Baby Center says the baby is the size of a honeydew melon. It appears we will be going melon from now on. The honeydew is the green melon. This is the one that is the most left over on any party’s fruit plate. For the record, I want our baby.

This week Baby Center featured quotes from mothers about things they didn’t expect during the birth. Here are some of my favorites:

“Labor wasn’t as bad as it was cracked up to be. I heard so many horror stories, but contractions were very manageable for me. I had a higher pain tolerance level than I thought.”

Well lah-di-dah, Miss Fancy Maternity Pants. I wonder if there is something wrong with her nervous system. It could be a bad sign. Maybe she’s developing CIPA. That will certainly help her when she’s murdered by every other mother in the world for saying this.

“I loved every minute of labor. I only pushed for 20 minutes. It was great and I felt so accomplished. My husband and I have actually bumped up our goal of having three children to five.”

Why not make it fifty kids? Why stop the fun at 5 if labor is so great? This quote actually went on but I cut it off before she got to the part about the baby talking to her during the crowning, the unicorn doctor that delivered it, and when the hospital floated up into outer space so she could hold her baby and overlook Saturn’s rings at the same time.

“Yes, I pooped on the table…twice!”

You find out about the mom pooping during childbirth early on in the pregnancy. You are ready for it. What makes this interesting is the excitement involved. The exclamation point brings about a sense of pride, even boastfulness. Well, you know what? You did it, New Mom!

Here’s your button, ya big pooper!

“My boss was the only one available to help me deliver and she held my legs while I pushed. Awkward! She is so sweet, but there are just some things I don’t want my boss to know about me.”

Wow. Think about this one when you think childbirth couldn’t get any worse. How do you ever stand up to or ask anything from your boss ever again? “I can’t stay late tonight.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you. I was too busy remembering helping your baby come out of you.” This gives me nightmares and it’s not an actual possible moment in my life.

Only “Boss” allowed in the delivery room?

“After I labored for two hours, our little guy made his grand entrance, weighing 11 pounds, 3 ounces! The doctor estimated he would be around 8 1/2 pounds, so we were all a bit shocked. The doctor said I was his largest natural delivery ever.”

We’re pretty convinced this will be us. “Gigan” Tor should tip the scales at a shade under 40 pounds. My wife has a belly that looks fake. It is so shiny and round, it could have been done by any makeup department on a Hollywood set. We have five weeks to go and this baby’s head starts at my wife’s crotch and the feet are by the shoulders. I fear for the future.

I can never thank my wife enough for what she’s going through. I can joke and joke about it but I’m amazed and the amazement will only continue to grow. This is too much to ask someone to go through unless you are one of those first two mothers. Then you can ask them to do it hundreds of times.

I will leave you with two more quotes that I can’t even comment on because they are too disgusting. It’s not for the squeamish. Read on at your own peril. For blog entry purposes, we are officially done here for today.

“The one thing I told my daughter while on the inside is, you better not poop in me, and she did!”

“When my husband went to cut the cord, the cord blood sprayed me in the face! The baby was sliding off my chest and as the doctor grabbed for the baby the cord ended up angled toward my face. After a very quick delivery, it made for a good story.”

I warned you.