Just fooling around with my new Flip camera. Tiger Woods messed up and this is probably what people see when they look at him. I do think my dog is more adorable. Good staring, Penny.
Mar
02
2010
02
2010
Tor’s News Nuggets: 3/2/10
Information has come in stating that OSHA issued a report to Sea World warning that a captive whale would kill a trainer. Before that report, the only warning we had was the adjective describing the type of whale.
(NERD JOKE) In this week’s issue of “Spider-Man,” Peter Parker will be affected by the economy when he loses his job as a photographer. Parker will learn that photographers, like Green Goblins, are a dime a dozen.
At an event in London, Lady Gaga told reporters that she is single and celibate. Lady Gaga is looking for a man who is evolved, not as in socially mature but as in having a next-generation sex organ that can mate with her.
According to People magazine, Bill Clinton offered his support to Tiger Woods via telephone. I just have one question: Why does the universe continue to throw softballs to Jay Leno?
Chad Ochocinco has been announced as one of the dancers on this season’s Dancing with the Stars. Producers think this is a step in the right direction for the show as Ochocinco is actually a star.
Feb
19
2010
19
2010
Tiger Woods Pickup Lines
Excuse me, Miss, are you looking for the fairway? Because you coming back to my hotel is the only fair way for this evening to go.
Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I’m always up for getting another major?
Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I’d like to put my wood in it?
Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand?
Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I’d like to (indicates self) see you on a T?
Would you mind being treated like a green that I’m 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Because I’m going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark.
Are you sure you aren’t all four majors because you would be a grand slam?
Are you into kinky stuff? How would you like to do something I won’t do for anyone on the PGA tour? I’ll let you beat me.
Hey would you like what you’re hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing?
Obviously I’m a man that loves Gatorade and I’d definitely like to raid your gato. That’s mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word for…you get the idea. I’m Tiger Woods.
Feb
10
2010
10
2010
Tor’s News Nuggets: 2/10/10
The World Wildlife Fund has announced that the number of tigers in the world has dwindled to 3200. Well, at least we know the sex rehab is working.
Over four feet of snow has landed in Washington, D.C. this month. So now can everyone agree that it’s the whitest city in the country?
The house that the cast of “Jersey Shore” was filmed in is available for rent. The owner promises a genuine shore experience as the house is filled with crabs.
In an interview with Playboy magazine, John Mayer refers to Jessica Simpson as “sexual napalm.” Upon reading this, Robert Duvall left his wife.
Jennifer Garner told David Letterman that she once brought a dolphin to orgasm. So that’s why Ben Affleck asked his plastic surgeon to make his nose more “bottle-y.”
Anne Hathaway says she quit Catholicism after her brother announced he was gay. Food for thought – Maybe Catholicism quit her by giving her a gay brother.
A study by the International Journal of Epidemiology says that being bored can lead to an early death. When asked about the study, the most bored man in the world said, “Yeah, but it’ll still take like forever to get there.”
Dec
31
2009
31
2009
Tor’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2KX
Happy New Year’s from all of us at Tor’s Take! It’s time to make proclamations that none of us are going to keep, I mean, am I riiighhh(incoherent coughs and harrumphs)? Here they are, dammit.
- Be more consistent with my 2010 letter shorthand.
- Find a nice girl and settle down.
- Guess correctly on a “How Many Jelly Beans Are In This Barrel?” contest.
- Shoot a sheriff and admit to it melodically.
- Get a parole officer to keep me focused.
- Give back to the world with more popular YouTube videos.
- Teach a homeless man how to recycle his home so that he will recycle forever.
- Punch Jeff Daniels.
- Break a mirror to get 7 years bad luck thus ensuring the world won’t end in 2012. You’re welcome, everyone!
- Market my new video game, Stand-Up Hero, for XBox 360, Wii, and Playstation 3.
- Stage an intervention for Krazy Glue.
- Set up meeting with Coach and Louis Vuitton to create a stylish bindle as part of a Hobo Couture collection.
- Take over at least 2 of Tiger Woods’ lost endorsements.
- Lead a New Jersey invasion hell-bent on overtaking and absorbing Pennsylvania.
- Perform in a 16 city tour of a 2-person Vaudeville show with William Peterson entitled “Tor-Pete-o.”
- Make baked ziti.
- Finally rid the world of stereotypes by replacing them with iPodtypes (for the kids!).
- Make sure people never forget Michael Jackson.
- Get a blank check from Miguel Ferrer and spend 90 minutes eluding him and Tone Loc.
- Start campaign to make Alex Trebek a contestant on “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?” to put him in his stupid place.
- Learn a parlor trick.
- Have tea with any available queen.
- Free the puppets from the tyrannical rule of Metallica. 24 years is enough.
- Open an East Coast location of the Peach Pit.
- Keep blogging.
What are yours?
Dec
03
2009
03
2009
Funny Stuff That Ain’t Mine: Tiger Woods Accident Reenactment
A Chinese news station made a full reenactment of what they think happened to cause the Tiger Woods car accident. It is amazing.
It is something straight out of the SIMS. My favorite part is when Tiger is thinking about the mistress while Elin yells at him. A thought bubble? Genius. Well done, not United States!
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