Feb
12
2010
0

The Perfect Valentine’s Day

I wake you up with a soothing back rub. I come around to your side of the bed and cover your mouth so you don’t scream when you realize I’m not the one giving the back rub. My hands are not that strong so I figured I would hire someone to do it. I bring you your favorite robe because you are yelling for it. After I get Gunther out of our bedroom and force feed you some Xanax, we continue the day.

You rouse to another back rub. You whirl around and show relief that it is me doing it this time. Welcome to your warm chocolate bath. Let the creamy milk chocolate of 407 hand-melted* Hershey bars wash over you. Next you get into a shower for 45 minutes to an hour because chocolate does not easily come off. I promise to clean the shower and bath so you don’t have to but we know it’s just going to sit like that until you do it. Fortunately, we won’t come to a head until after this perfect day is over.
We missed lunch with all the passing out you did but we can get an early dinner at your favorite place after I show you the five funniest YouTube videos of the week. One of them is a little long but it’s worth it for this one line the guy says at the 8 minute mark. Wait for it.
Before we get to dinner, I surprise you with a romantic walk. Turns out your favorite place was a little further than the amount of gas I had in my car. I’m not mad at you. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s not like we passed 10 really great restaurants on the way.
I hold your purse. We are at the gas station and I want you to be able to easily get the gas into the container. Love is a compromise and you know I hate the smell of gasoline on my hands before eating so you make that sacrifice.**
We walk hand in non-gas hand the rest of the way to the restaurant. There is a wait but I sweet talk the attractive*** hostess into getting us a table by giving her my number and making her laugh. You order anything you want and I remind you to save room for dessert. They have your favorite. The “Rose for the lady” woman comes by and I buy everything she has – roses, teddy bears, gold watches – to make her leave us alone. You don’t finish your dessert because you say it reminds you of bath time so I have the server wrap it up knowing that will pass.
We walk back to the car which is still there unharmed because this day is perfect. When we get back to the house, your hot best friend is sitting there crying. She says her boyfriend is having an affair. Some mannish-sounding woman called and told her everything. I try to move it along and get you to commence comforting her. I open a bottle of wine to let the healing begin. It’s your favorite wine and I pour you and her healthy glasses of it.
Three bottles down and you are doing a lot of hugging and giggling. I put on “Wild Things” because I know you like pools. You tell me that your friend is spending the night and ask if I would mind sharing the bed. I tell you I don’t mind. We all head upstairs. You thank me for the wonderful day. I remind you that it doesn’t have to end now. You ask what I have in mind. I tell you I’ll be right back and leave the room.
I return with 2 pints of ice cream and I change into your least favorite outfit of mine. I grab a scrub brush and some bleach and start cleaning the chocolate-covered bathroom. You and your friend laugh as you tell me about the wonders of the hypnosis class you’ve been taking at the community college. Then Gunther comes in and gives you both back rubs bringing the day full circle. You bid me good night as I keep cleaning.
*I held each bar until it was no more.
**If you want to keep all of this. (Gestures towards self)
***Definitely slightly less than you, Beautiful.
Feb
11
2010
0

This Week’s Top 10 Chads

As many of my closest friends know, I keep extensive rankings for every first name in the world and I update them every week. I’ve decided to publish one of them on the blog today. So this is my list of the 10 best people named Chad for the week. There’s been a lot of moving and shaking on the Chad list so let’s get to it.

1. Chad Ochocinco – (Last week: 1) – Ochocinco had a great week this week. He provided coverage of the Super Bowl for the Ochocinco News Network (OCNN) and remains relevant with his fantastic Twitter posts. The run at 1 continues for this Chad.
2. Chad Michael Murray – (Last week: 5) – Chad moved up this week with rumors that he is in the running to play Captain America. It had seemed his star had fizzled out after he left One Tree Hill. Even news of an upcoming film with Tommy Lee didn’t seem to help his decline. However, putting on some tights and holding a patriotic shield? Welcome back, Chad!
3. Chad Smith – (Last week: NR) – Our biggest Chad jumper of the week. This Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer has been receiving votes for the last few polls but it was the announcement of his supergroup Chickenfoot’s returning to the studio that has this pollmaker psyched. I don’t listen to Chickenfoot but I love me some good Chad news.
4. Chad Trujillo – (Last week: 4) – It looked like this was the week the astronomer would crack the Top 3. Voters want a career that consists of more than the discovery of a dwarf planet bigger than Pluto. Some Chads get complacent. It’s been five years, Chad. We can only hold this spot for so long.
5. Chad Vader – (Last week: 3) – This Chad has done well for himself and is the only fictional character to ever crack the Top 10. (Unless you count Chad Durbin because I don’t acknowledge the existence of any Philadelphia Phillies.) Unfortunately, the much anticipated third season of his web series has yet to premiere. The internet world wants more fake Chad.
6. Chad Kroeger – (Last week: 2) – Not a good week for the lead singer of Nickelback. He is about to have less Facebook fans than a pickle. Also, he sings for Nickelback. It is only a matter of time before he drops off completely. Might want to go back to school and do something to help society, Chad.
7. Chad Pennington – (Last week: 8) – He may never throw a pass again but that’s great for his NFL record for career passing percentage. Throwing anymore will probably just ruin that especially since he now has the arm strength of the quarterback on “Glee.” Unlike Number 4 Chad, it’s time to be complacent. Stick to charity. That’s good stuff, Chad.
8. Chad Hugo – (Last week: 9) – I heard one of his songs on the radio last week so that must have been cool for him.
9. Chad of Mercia – (Last week: 10) – He is responsible for bringing Christianity to central England. That doesn’t go away and neither does this Chad. Central Englanders love their Christianity.*
10. Chad Allan – (Last week: 6) – This unfortunate singer of The Guess Who misheard and showed up at the Super Bowl to perform in the Halftime Show. He was escorted out by security after getting into a terrible Abbott and Costello-esque “I’m from The Guess Who/The police don’t like guessing games, sir” exchange. Hope next week is better, Chad.
Dropped from the rankings: Norman Chad
*Not confirmed.
Feb
10
2010
0

Tor’s News Nuggets: 2/10/10

The World Wildlife Fund has announced that the number of tigers in the world has dwindled to 3200. Well, at least we know the sex rehab is working.

Over four feet of snow has landed in Washington, D.C. this month. So now can everyone agree that it’s the whitest city in the country?
The house that the cast of “Jersey Shore” was filmed in is available for rent. The owner promises a genuine shore experience as the house is filled with crabs.
In an interview with Playboy magazine, John Mayer refers to Jessica Simpson as “sexual napalm.” Upon reading this, Robert Duvall left his wife.
Jennifer Garner told David Letterman that she once brought a dolphin to orgasm. So that’s why Ben Affleck asked his plastic surgeon to make his nose more “bottle-y.”
Anne Hathaway says she quit Catholicism after her brother announced he was gay. Food for thought – Maybe Catholicism quit her by giving her a gay brother.
A study by the International Journal of Epidemiology says that being bored can lead to an early death. When asked about the study, the most bored man in the world said, “Yeah, but it’ll still take like forever to get there.”
Feb
05
2010
2

Super Bowl 44 Drinking Game

I don’t advocate the consumption of alcohol or liquor but darn it if football fans don’t like to drink during important (or unimportant) games. This weekend is the Super Bowl of football games. So I’ve decided to give in and make a drinking game for those people who are watching.

Drink when:
  • the captains approach midfield and start choosing players for their team
  • a player is actually canonized
  • a player turns to the camera and talks about DirectTV
  • Drew Brees leaves for Disney Land before the game ends
  • a pig storms the field to confirm the ball is made of cow skin
  • a fire breaks out in one of Kim Kardashian’s luxury boxes forcing her ass cheeks to share one
  • a commercial is funny
  • an English professor storms the field to teach fans “Who IS that?”
  • an announcer questions Peyton Manning’s decision making
  • a mysterious murder is discovered right before the Who begins the halftime show
  • the Saints sign Brett Favre during halftime
  • a cow storms the field to confront the pig about farm animal decency
  • the Saints score a TD when Manning passes to lesser-known, always runs the wrong way target, Wayne Reggie
  • the Saints win
Jan
25
2010
1

Alternate Tooth Fairy Taglines

I was walking around San Diego and I saw a poster for The Rock’s “Tooth Fairy” movie. It said “You can’t handle the tooth.” Pretty good. I thought I could do better.

  • “Things are about to get fairy interesting.”
  • “He’s getting his gum-uppance.”
  • “Prepare to have your cavity searched.”
  • “He doesn’t want less lar. He wants molar.”
  • “Hope was incisor all along.”
  • “He’s looking for cuspids that go both ways sexually.”
  • “He’s got some serious pillow talk.”
  • “He’s going to wing it.”
  • “You’ve got Dwayne Johnsons in your head.”
Jan
19
2010
1

Funny Stuff That Ain’t Mine: Conan Vs. Leno Reenactment

I have my feelings about the Conan and Leno situation at NBC but I’m not going to sound off here. This is my blog, not a place a to air my personal feelings and opinions.

If you will remember, last month I posted a video reenacting the Tiger Woods debacle. It was incredibly well done. Well, those same people created one for the Conan vs. Leno thing and it is fan-freakin-tastic.

Jan
18
2010
0

Real MMA – The Treebone Style

Everyone’s doing Mixed Martial Arts these days. But doing it inside some Octagon is not practical. What’s the point in learning this discipline if you can’t use it every day? The Treebones are ready to help.

Great job by Rachel and Etan in this one. Also, how about that editing from Jonathan DeMuth?
Jan
13
2010
1

Atom.com Showdown Plea

We need your help. You can make it happen. All it takes is a few clicks and a dream.

Jan
09
2010
0

Get Us On Comedy Central!!

Our Twilight video “The Duel” is on the Atom.com Showdown. The winner gets on Comedy Central which would be sweet.

Go here and vote for us. We are up against “Sex Offender Shuffle” which went viral but it’s about quality views, not quantity views. Right? Help us win! We need this more than they do.
Some people say they are getting errors but you do not have to log in. I did not when I voted.
Jan
05
2010
1

Funny Stuff That Ain’t Mine: Ninja Sex Party 2

I’m not sure why but I loved every second of this. It was so well done. You don’t need to watch Ninja Sex Party 1 to understand this. I didn’t.

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