I wake you up with a soothing back rub. I come around to your side of the bed and cover your mouth so you don’t scream when you realize I’m not the one giving the back rub. My hands are not that strong so I figured I would hire someone to do it. I bring you your favorite robe because you are yelling for it. After I get Gunther out of our bedroom and force feed you some Xanax, we continue the day.
You rouse to another back rub. You whirl around and show relief that it is me doing it this time. Welcome to your warm chocolate bath. Let the creamy milk chocolate of 407 hand-melted* Hershey bars wash over you. Next you get into a shower for 45 minutes to an hour because chocolate does not easily come off. I promise to clean the shower and bath so you don’t have to but we know it’s just going to sit like that until you do it. Fortunately, we won’t come to a head until after this perfect day is over.
We missed lunch with all the passing out you did but we can get an early dinner at your favorite place after I show you the five funniest YouTube videos of the week. One of them is a little long but it’s worth it for this one line the guy says at the 8 minute mark. Wait for it.
Before we get to dinner, I surprise you with a romantic walk. Turns out your favorite place was a little further than the amount of gas I had in my car. I’m not mad at you. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s not like we passed 10 really great restaurants on the way.
I hold your purse. We are at the gas station and I want you to be able to easily get the gas into the container. Love is a compromise and you know I hate the smell of gasoline on my hands before eating so you make that sacrifice.**
We walk hand in non-gas hand the rest of the way to the restaurant. There is a wait but I sweet talk the attractive*** hostess into getting us a table by giving her my number and making her laugh. You order anything you want and I remind you to save room for dessert. They have your favorite. The “Rose for the lady” woman comes by and I buy everything she has – roses, teddy bears, gold watches – to make her leave us alone. You don’t finish your dessert because you say it reminds you of bath time so I have the server wrap it up knowing that will pass.
We walk back to the car which is still there unharmed because this day is perfect. When we get back to the house, your hot best friend is sitting there crying. She says her boyfriend is having an affair. Some mannish-sounding woman called and told her everything. I try to move it along and get you to commence comforting her. I open a bottle of wine to let the healing begin. It’s your favorite wine and I pour you and her healthy glasses of it.
Three bottles down and you are doing a lot of hugging and giggling. I put on “Wild Things” because I know you like pools. You tell me that your friend is spending the night and ask if I would mind sharing the bed. I tell you I don’t mind. We all head upstairs. You thank me for the wonderful day. I remind you that it doesn’t have to end now. You ask what I have in mind. I tell you I’ll be right back and leave the room.
I return with 2 pints of ice cream and I change into your least favorite outfit of mine. I grab a scrub brush and some bleach and start cleaning the chocolate-covered bathroom. You and your friend laugh as you tell me about the wonders of the hypnosis class you’ve been taking at the community college. Then Gunther comes in and gives you both back rubs bringing the day full circle. You bid me good night as I keep cleaning.
*I held each bar until it was no more.
**If you want to keep all of this. (Gestures towards self)
***Definitely slightly less than you, Beautiful.
– He may never throw a pass again but that’s great for his NFL record for career passing percentage. Throwing anymore will probably just ruin that especially since he now has the arm strength of the quarterback on “Glee.” Unlike Number 4 Chad, it’s time to be complacent. Stick to charity. That’s good stuff, Chad.
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